McCain Plays AARP Card

After controversial Ferraro, Rev. Wright statements on race, McCain brings age issue to forefront

With the political arena abuzz following Barack Obama’s landmark speech on the topic of race, and the majority of Americans still genuinely weirded-out by the possibility of the Democratic presidential nominee sporting a vagina in place of the conventional penis, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain is now turning to the only demographic detail making the white, male Senator from Arizona stand out from those that have come before him: his rapidly advancing age.

McCain officially played the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) card Monday by presenting the laminated card to the cashier during a campaign stop at Marge’s Biscuits n’ Gravy in order to obtain a senior discount for his 4:30PM early bird dinner. By playing the AARP card, he was able to receive seventy-five cents off the already economical price of $3.99 for the liver and onions special.

McCain, who will be 72 at the time of the November election, is seeking to become the oldest first-term president ever elected, besting Ronald Reagan's statesmanly 69.

"While racism and sexism are now taboo in this country, it remains completely acceptable for late night comedians to spew ageist hate speech proclaiming all senior citizens... incapable of achieving substantial bowel movements without the assistance of prunes..."

Pointing to his 71-plus years of life experience as the asset that makes him most qualified to lead the nation as the next President, McCain referred to 46-year old Democratic candidate Barack Obama as a “whipper snapper” and 60-year old Hillary Rodham Clinton as “on in years, but not presidential old.”

“I’d already gutted out 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp by the time Senator Obama was potty trained!” stated McCain, gripping the microphone in his trembling, liver-spotted hand.

McCain asserted that not only had he already learned to ride a bicycle (especially challenging given that, in his day, only bicycles with disproportionately large front wheels existed) but had also sprouted the beginnings of pubic fuzz by the time Clinton was even born.

In a press conference following his meal and standard glass of Metamucil, McCain stated plainly that he was proud to represent geezers everywhere in his run for the Presidency.

“The elderly in this country are treated as second class citizens. For decades my people have been oppressed with the revoking of our drivers’ licenses and the ridiculing of our false teeth and early bedtimes,” said McCain, before staring off into space and drooling onto the podium for several minutes.

Prodded in the back of his head with a long pole by one of his advisors, McCain continued, “My elderly brethren have been the butt of jokes for too long. While racism and sexism are now taboo in this country, it remains completely
acceptable for late night comedians to spew ageist hate speech proclaiming all senior citizens have poor eyesight and hearing, can’t remember anything for the life of them, or are incapable of achieving substantial bowel movements without the assistance of prunes or other high-fiber sources. This is simply unjust.”

After a short nap aboard the Straight-Talk Express, McCain re-emerged to continue the press conference.

“These stereotypes alone would be bad enough, but the truth is the oldest of my people continue to be routinely rounded up like cattle and forced into internment facilities under the guise of ‘nursing home care.’ In these death camps they are drugged, while their captors pillage their personal property and steal their spare change. They remain in these facilities until their spirits are broken and they endure a slow, painful death. No one comes home alive from this geriatric holocaust.”

In addition to liberating his people from second-class citizen status and stopping age-bashing in the public sector, McCain also promised to obtain a set of age-affirmative action objectives that he argues will finally balance the playing field in America for the most senior of citizens.

“If you do me the honor of electing me to the highest office in these United States, I’ll do my best to ensure punk kids get proper haircuts, someone is always there to remind you where you last put your house keys, and all solid foods are mashed into a fine paste. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a bath in Epsom salts."

McCain also promised a surge in production of the motorized scooter known commercially as The Rascal, an ad-campaign to combat the negative connotations associated with adult diapers, and the replacement of baseball with bingo as the national pastime.

Just hours after McCain played the AARP card, the Clinton campaign again found itself mired in controversy as a campaign contributor publicly implied that McCain is enjoying his presumptive GOP nominee status entirely because of his age.

“If he was dead by now, instead of having survived his entire 71-plus years, he wouldn’t be where he is; he wouldn’t be in this position.”

Clinton downplayed the statement, indicating it was made by a fringe supporter and is not in any way representative of her campaign.