Adjust Yourself: Origins Of The Dick Face

Dick Face.

Long a sophomoric insult more appropriate for the schoolyard than the political arena, few are aware that it's the proper term for the trademark scowl disgraced politicians or other public figures flash at press conferences and other public arenas.

Many are more familiar with the term Manning Face, as popularized by ESPN analyst Bill Simmons, to describe the mugs of Archie spawn. This expression specifically references the trademark grimace those highly visible golden-arms inevitably emit following an infrequent on-field mishap.

Example below:

Given that Peyton and Eli have respectively won the last two Super Bowl MVP honors, the notorious Manning Face is growing less and less frequent and is now mostly reserved for those I may have won a Super Bowl and have ubiquitous commercial endorsements but with my Howdy Doody looks there's still no chance I get to put my dick into anyone named Giselle moments.

However, it's important to note that Manning Face serves as only recently developed nomenclature meant to specify a reaction to less serious situations than that of the longstanding Dick Face.

One needs look no further than the only U.S. President forced to resign from office, one Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon, to understand the origins of the word itself.

This one look says it all:

"Well, I certainly have my dick in a blender."

Thus, on August 8, 1974... the Dick Face was born.

The Dick Face has since become the standard conciliatory expression for public figures following cataclysmic fuck-ups. In 1998, the impeached Bill Clinton set an unofficial record for most Dick Faces captured on film within a six-month period (1,291), which serves as more of a testament to the omnipresence of the media than on the severity of the consequences which yielded the Dick Face. However, as is bound to happen with expressions of this sort, nuances have developed.

Slick Willy's more tight-lipped, slightly less jowly version of the Dick Face (dubbed by some as the "Slick Face") indicates a It's not really sex if I only put my dick in her mouth, right? tone, which some consider slightly off-putting.

Most recently, disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer generated a Dick Face of unprecedented intensity, pulling his upper lip to within mere centimeters of his nose. This particular Dick Face, in response to the revelation the acclaimed "tough on corruption" governor spent tens of thousands of dollars on high-class prostitutes over a period of six months, conveys the loud-and-clear message of I like to put my dick in things that cost $5,000 an hour, and has quickly become known as the "Turned-Trick Face."

You'll notice the rather lax, defeated look in his shamed wife's face as evidence that the Dick Face is unique to only men (a subject that will be revisited later in the article).

Spitzer's Dick Face may be permanently fixed in place from this scandal, as every photo taken of him in recent days has exhibited it.

Due to the fact that the Bush administration claims to have never been wrong and therefore never forced to apologize, neither Bush nor Cheney are capable of maneuvering the facial muscles necessary to pull a Dick Face. When faced with situations in which contrition is required, Bush simply reverts to his natural defense of distracting the crowd by checking himself for mites and spinning a folksy yarn about "smokin' out armadillas" on his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Attempts by Vice President Cheney in the past have resulted in striking negative tones interpreted by many as defensive and have been described as a “glorified snarl” as they almost without exception involve the baring of teeth.

For example, below is photo evidence of the closest ever Dick Face pulled by Cheney, upon expressing regret that his hunting companion, 78-year old campaign contributor Harry Whittington, “chose to strike my birdshot with his face.”

Cheney categorically denied wrongdoing, even suggesting America is safer as a result of his actions because the incident will more thoroughly educate the public to keep their faces out of the path of his shotgun blasts.

Cheney subsequently bit the head off a chicken and spewed blood onto reporters. Many onhand said it was the most contrite they’d ever seen the Vice President.

The irony of Dick Cheney’s inability to perform his namesake expression needs no further elaboration.

Much like the male sex organ the name euphemizes, the Dick Face is something women are incapable of exhibiting without significant hormonal supplements. Below is the closest expression to a Dick Face by a female ever captured on film, as achieved by disgraced Olympic champion Marion Jones.

Clearly, the hormonal imbalance created by her steroid use allowed this aberration to take place. The tight lips are nearly flawless, however the downturned mouth indicative of a true Dick Face remains conspicuously absent.

Still, one tends to wonder about the physiological mutations of which performance-enhancing drugs are capable, and whether someday they will allow women to perform this presently phallocentric expression.

And on to the lightning round: