News In Briefs

New Study Links Marijuana Use, Eating Whole Frickin' Bag of Chips

Baltimore, MD - Following a recently announced study finding a correlation between excessive belly fat and risk of dementia in later life, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have recently unveiled a new startling link found between the recreational use of marijuana and polishing off a entire freakin' bag of chips in one sitting.

The study indicates those who use marijuana are 300% more likely to down the whole goddamn bag of potato chips than those who refrain from marijuana use.

"Potheads" as they are known in colloquial speech, now rank just ahead of computer programmers and only slightly behind trailer park, stay-at-home mothers as the most at-risk demographics for excessive potato chip eating.

Now that this link has been verified, researchers are currently working on discovering whether there is a connection between anorexia and starving yourself until you're pretty.

Joan Cusack Stalker Can't Get Arrested Unless Collaborating With John Cusack Stalker

Malibu, California - Longtime Joan Cusack stalker Alice Tomlinson recently turned herself in to the Malibu police admitting to acting as an accomplice in the stalking of the baby-faced box-office giant John Cusack. Tomlinson was booked following the confessions that she supplied recently arrested John Cusack stalker, Emily Leatherman, with the paper and ink pens used in crafting the creepy, obsessed-drivel laden letter Leatherman most recently tied to a screwdriver and tossed over the wall to Cusack's residence.

Tomlinson, who has openly advertised that she has stalked John's older sister Joan Cusack for years, finally got her name linked to a major stalking arrest, albeit in a bit-part supporting role. Joan Cusack, best known as that fucking obnoxious US Cellular spokesperson, was not available for comment, but her agent indicated that Tomlinson's arrest resulted from "Joan's years of independent hard work in Hollywood, and in no way had anything to do with any of her siblings."

Despite years of sending the 46-year old actress (who has played supporting roles in her brother's projects High Fidelity and Grosse Pointe Blank) severed fingers in the mail, taking out full page ads in the LA Times complete with dates and times she would be stalking Joan Cusack, and most recently parading around outside Cusack's home with various homemade banners scrawled in her own feces, Tomlinson has been paid little mind by the Malibu police or tabloid journalists.

When asked for comment, little brother John stated, "Oh, Joanie's got a stalker too? That's just great. I've always been so proud of all the things she's done on her own... whatever they may be."