Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Jeff Foxworthy To Run For President

Follows Nader's Lead, Will Run As Independent

In the wake of consumer-advocate Ralph Nader’s recent announcement that he will again seek the office of the presidency, long-time lower-working class comedy advocate Jeff Foxworthy today announced he is also throwing his name in the ring for a White House bid. Some political analysts suggest that the host of FOX’s brain-buster Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? may be American politics’ best kept secret as he has for years appealed to the nation’s backbone of undereducated, over-procreating mush mouths with his down-home wisdom and easily understood, rural-centric one-liners.

Citing that in the past four elections America has invariably elected candidates from Southern states over Northern state rivals, political strategist James Carville suggests the Georgia-born Foxworthy’s guileless drawl instantly provides him with a leg up on the “hoity toity-ness” inherent in the articulate speech of Barack Obama and pointed rhetoric of Hillary Rodham Clinton. On the other end of the political spectrum, the majority of Americans find John McCain’s stiff, stroke victim-esque diction unmoving and lacking a crucial “homespuniness.”

“By announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America,” said a smirking, amply mustachioed Foxworthy at today’s press conference, “I’ve got those fat cats in Warshington looking about as confused as a cow on Astroturf.”

In response to a question about the Republican criticism that he is “all hat and no cattle” a visibly angry Foxworthy stated “if the belt buckle doesn’t fit, wear it anyway.”

While his candidacy was generally well-received, some conservatives expressed trepidation at what they perceived as Foxworthy’s sidestepping a question on abortion. When asked about his stance on the heavily divisive issue and on the ethics of stem-cell research Foxworthy simply replied, “Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door,” a response some interpret as a pro-choice (or at least anti-birth) stance. Political adviser and commentator George Stephanapolous states "when compounded by his numerous light-hearted lamentations about diapers and spit-up, this has put him at odds with baby-loving Evangelicals and I believe this is the key reason he has chosen to run as an Independent."

Foxworthy’s communications director and Kentucky dirt farmer, Skeeter Hackenslaw, attributes Foxworthy’s only slightly above the mean intelligence as a key to his success.

“Studies have statistically shown that Americans prefer a president who isn’t much smarter than they are lest they feel they're getting one pulled over on them. But Americans also get their undies in a bunch if we elect a President who’s a whole lot dumber. After eight long years of an ignorant Dubya and faced with the prospect of the hyper-intellectual Obama and Clinton, Americans are demanding a candidate who week in and week out proves to them that he is only slightly smarter than a fifth grader. And the only candidate to fit that bill is Jeffrey M. Foxworthy.”

Interviewed aboard Foxworthy's Plain Speak Winnebago, Hackenslaw categorically denied claims that Foxworthy’s proclaimed above-fifth grader intelligence is reliant entirely upon “them high-falutin’ answer cards” he utilizes on his game show.

Some supporters fear that like Barack Hussein Obama, Foxworthy will suffer from the negative associations made to his middle name (Musharaff), but aides have denied that would be an issue as Foxworthy's base are not politically astute enough to know who Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff is.

While as yet undecided on a running mate, sources close to Foxworthy indicate that he is leaning toward Blue-Collar Comedy Tour cohort Larry the Cable Guy, citing his boundless optimism and can-do spirit evident in his "Git 'Er Done" slogan as the boost Foxworthy's campaign will need to defy the odds and become the first Independent elected President.
Aides insist Foxworthy has the broad appeal necessary to prevail, pointing to polls that show he performs well in both Red Neck and Blue Collar states.


On Healthcare:
"“If you’ve ever had your teeth busted by getting kicked in the face by a mule and been denied treatment, you might be uninsured,” Foxworthy quipped. “If you’ve ever had your mother-in-law treated by a veterinarian, you just might be uninsured.”

On the Iraq War:
“In my day, people only said I-raq when they just got beat in a game of pool.” Adding, “and when it was time to pay the bar tab, I-ran.”

On Global Climate Change:
“In this day and age, if you ever go outside without sunscreen, you might get a red neck.”

On North Korea:
"So the other day I heard Kim Jong-Il, but his advisors sent him to the doctor so now Kim Jong-Better.

On Poverty:
Foxworthy promises "A cinder block under every bare axle, and a grilled possum on every table."

On Gun Control:
“If you break into my house, I don’t need no handgun, I’ll have the wife yammer you to death.”
"But seriously folks, I always thought the right to bare arms just meant a feller could go around wearing a t-shirt if he wanted to.”

1 comment:

The Peter Files Blog of Comedy said...

I enjoy your blog as well. I think you have just won promotion to my sidebar status! I hope that you will feel able to do the same for mine.

Comedic and wacky birds of a feather should refer togather. I will also add you to my delicious and technorati pages when I get a chance.

Peter, Political Editor and Non-stop Wit Monger
Peter's Files of Comedy, Satire, Jokes, Commentary and Funny Videos which are unfortunately Safe for Work
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HTTP://The PeterFiles.Blogspot.com

Don't forget to search for my Jeff Foxworthy Stuff in the Blue Search Box