Christian Group Enraged Over Grade Schoolers Drawing Rainbows, Wearing Pink

Argue Activities Promote Alternate Lifestyles

The Reedsburg, WI school district was inundated with angry phone calls when the Milwaukee-based radio program Voice of Christian Youth America broadcast that Pineview Elementary School encouraged students to dress as the opposite gender during their various dress-up days for "Wacky Week." Story Here

Further investigation by Christian groups with nothing better to do uncovered that this is not the first time that the Pineview Elementary has promoted "alternative lifestyles" and "frutiness" through school sponsored activities. The group Jesus Didn't Die For Queerbags, a ministry of In Christ Unity Parish (ICUP), revealed that in February Pineview Elementary asked boy and girl students alike to wear pink. Third Grade Teacher Megan Harris, a breast cancer survivor, instructed her students to wear pink in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

"Our young sons were told to wear pink. How could this happen?" said a visibly angry ICUP spokesman, Julian Gobblecox,"That's one step away from taking one in the pooper."

Concerned parent, and ICUP member, Prudence Goodwyfe also reported that her fifth grade son was forced to draw a rainbow as part of a art class project.

"Timothy came home with this abomination," said Goodwyfe, brandishing the poorly drawn portrait of her son with his arms around his 'best pal' Sam. "I just don't know if I can afford another exorcism for Timmy."

Goodwyfe also stated she had begun to grow suspicious of her son's involvement with Sam when she caught the two wrestling one day in the back yard, and again when the two 10-year olds insisted on being allowed to stage "sleep-overs." However, it was not until she saw the hand-holding rainbow drawing that her worst fears were confirmed.

Following an undercover investigation in which he posed as a janitor, Gobblecox announced his findings that children in Mrs. Denton's kindergarten class were uniformly assigned "buddies" with whom they were forced to hold hands while standing in line to walk to the bathroom. These hand-holding partners were assigned in same-sex pairings nearly half the time, according to Gobblecox.

"Our liberal public schools, in addition to continuing to deny the obvious truth that the Earth is only 6000 years old, are teaching our children that it is permissable to hold hands before marriage, and what's more, with members of the opposite sex!" said Gobblecox.

"If God thought homosexuality was ok, he wouldn't have alluded to it in vaguely worded portions of the Bible open to various interpretations!"