Pope Announces Upcoming Movie Role During US Visit

Benedict XVI Tapped To Play Villain Gargamel In Upcoming Live-Action Smurfs Film

New York, NY- Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the United States prompted a presidential welcome by George W. Bush and will culminate in Sunday mass before tens of thousands at Yankee Stadium. His Holiness' visit contained the usual pomp and circumstance surrounding Roman Catholic guys in tall pointy hats, however few were prepared for the announcement from Pope Benedict XVI that he will be starring in the upcoming live-action Smurfs film as the villanous, Smurf-meat craving Gargamel.

Benedict XVI made the announcement while making the rounds in the morning talk show circuit. He confessed his role in the upcoming family comedy Smurfed Up to Matt Lauer Thursday on the Today show before heading over to discuss it further with the ladies on The View.

"I've served the roles of accomplished theologian, professor, prolific writer, champion for conservative Catholicism, and now that of Pope. I thought it was about time I challenge myself a bit, and play the fictional arch-enemy of all of Smurfdom, which is new territory for me. It will force me to really stretch myself," said the thickly German-accented Benedict.

When questioned by The View panel member Whoopi Goldberg about why New Line Cinema had tagged him for the role given his relative lack of big budget film experience, the Pope quipped "Well, Whoopi, you and I both know what its like to have faces only a Virgin Mother could love. I think they just want to save of makeup artists."

When asked about how he planned to tap into the evil inherent in the bungling villain Gargamel, the Pope advised he would be calling upon the experience he gained as a member of the Hitler Youth as a teenager in the early 1940s.

The film, a New Line Cinema project, will be directed by Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson and is slated for a Christmas 2009 release date.

Others rumored to have signed on for the film include:

That Guy Who Used So Much Colloidal Silver His Skin Turned Blue as patriarch "Papa Smurf"

Prop-comic and general freak-fest Carrot Top as "Hefty Smurf"

Heroes star Masi Oka as the ingenious albeit obnoxious "Brainy Smurf"

Paris Hilton as the Smurf Spunk-Dumpster "Smurfette"

Christian Group Enraged Over Grade Schoolers Drawing Rainbows, Wearing Pink

Argue Activities Promote Alternate Lifestyles

The Reedsburg, WI school district was inundated with angry phone calls when the Milwaukee-based radio program Voice of Christian Youth America broadcast that Pineview Elementary School encouraged students to dress as the opposite gender during their various dress-up days for "Wacky Week." Story Here

Further investigation by Christian groups with nothing better to do uncovered that this is not the first time that the Pineview Elementary has promoted "alternative lifestyles" and "frutiness" through school sponsored activities. The group Jesus Didn't Die For Queerbags, a ministry of In Christ Unity Parish (ICUP), revealed that in February Pineview Elementary asked boy and girl students alike to wear pink. Third Grade Teacher Megan Harris, a breast cancer survivor, instructed her students to wear pink in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

"Our young sons were told to wear pink. How could this happen?" said a visibly angry ICUP spokesman, Julian Gobblecox,"That's one step away from taking one in the pooper."

Concerned parent, and ICUP member, Prudence Goodwyfe also reported that her fifth grade son was forced to draw a rainbow as part of a art class project.

"Timothy came home with this abomination," said Goodwyfe, brandishing the poorly drawn portrait of her son with his arms around his 'best pal' Sam. "I just don't know if I can afford another exorcism for Timmy."

Goodwyfe also stated she had begun to grow suspicious of her son's involvement with Sam when she caught the two wrestling one day in the back yard, and again when the two 10-year olds insisted on being allowed to stage "sleep-overs." However, it was not until she saw the hand-holding rainbow drawing that her worst fears were confirmed.

Following an undercover investigation in which he posed as a janitor, Gobblecox announced his findings that children in Mrs. Denton's kindergarten class were uniformly assigned "buddies" with whom they were forced to hold hands while standing in line to walk to the bathroom. These hand-holding partners were assigned in same-sex pairings nearly half the time, according to Gobblecox.

"Our liberal public schools, in addition to continuing to deny the obvious truth that the Earth is only 6000 years old, are teaching our children that it is permissable to hold hands before marriage, and what's more, with members of the opposite sex!" said Gobblecox.

"If God thought homosexuality was ok, he wouldn't have alluded to it in vaguely worded portions of the Bible open to various interpretations!"

News In Briefs

New Study Links Marijuana Use, Eating Whole Frickin' Bag of Chips

Baltimore, MD - Following a recently announced study finding a correlation between excessive belly fat and risk of dementia in later life, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have recently unveiled a new startling link found between the recreational use of marijuana and polishing off a entire freakin' bag of chips in one sitting.

The study indicates those who use marijuana are 300% more likely to down the whole goddamn bag of potato chips than those who refrain from marijuana use.

"Potheads" as they are known in colloquial speech, now rank just ahead of computer programmers and only slightly behind trailer park, stay-at-home mothers as the most at-risk demographics for excessive potato chip eating.

Now that this link has been verified, researchers are currently working on discovering whether there is a connection between anorexia and starving yourself until you're pretty.

Joan Cusack Stalker Can't Get Arrested Unless Collaborating With John Cusack Stalker

Malibu, California - Longtime Joan Cusack stalker Alice Tomlinson recently turned herself in to the Malibu police admitting to acting as an accomplice in the stalking of the baby-faced box-office giant John Cusack. Tomlinson was booked following the confessions that she supplied recently arrested John Cusack stalker, Emily Leatherman, with the paper and ink pens used in crafting the creepy, obsessed-drivel laden letter Leatherman most recently tied to a screwdriver and tossed over the wall to Cusack's residence.

Tomlinson, who has openly advertised that she has stalked John's older sister Joan Cusack for years, finally got her name linked to a major stalking arrest, albeit in a bit-part supporting role. Joan Cusack, best known as that fucking obnoxious US Cellular spokesperson, was not available for comment, but her agent indicated that Tomlinson's arrest resulted from "Joan's years of independent hard work in Hollywood, and in no way had anything to do with any of her siblings."

Despite years of sending the 46-year old actress (who has played supporting roles in her brother's projects High Fidelity and Grosse Pointe Blank) severed fingers in the mail, taking out full page ads in the LA Times complete with dates and times she would be stalking Joan Cusack, and most recently parading around outside Cusack's home with various homemade banners scrawled in her own feces, Tomlinson has been paid little mind by the Malibu police or tabloid journalists.

When asked for comment, little brother John stated, "Oh, Joanie's got a stalker too? That's just great. I've always been so proud of all the things she's done on her own... whatever they may be."