'Delegates Schmelegates,' Says Clinton

Hillary Cites 'Myriad Scenarios" In Which She Could Prevail, Despite Mathematical Impossibility

San Juan, Puerto Rico - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's lopsided triumph in Puerto Rico barely made a dent in frontrunner Barack Obama's delegate lead as the junior Senator from Illinois is now within 40-odd delegates of the nomination. However, the largely symbolic victory in a US territory that is constitutionally barred from casting ballots in November's general election has only further emboldened Clinton's near maniacal resolve in her quixotic quest to become the Democratic nominee for President.

"Delegates Schmelegates!" Clinton shrieked at a campaign rally in San Juan shortly before the polls closed Sunday. "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what the numbers say, I'm going to be the next President of the United States!"

Though Obama lost by nearly a two-to-one margin in Puerto Rico, he closed the "magic number" for the Democratic nomination to a mere 45 delegates. Clinton meanwhile, continues to lose ground in the superdelegates, who are largely backing the candidate who the media declared the winner several months ago. Slate.com estimates Clinton's chances of securing the nomination hover at 0.4%. However, Clinton, who found herself in hot water for making statements in which some argued she implied her continued candidacy was necessary because Obama could be assasinated like Robert F. Kennedy, assured supporters on Sunday that she would press on as there are a nearly infinite number of scenarios in which she could prevail.

"We have yet to count the votes of the millions of illegal aliens who currently live within our borders. Once this is done, it will be apparent that I have the best chance of prevailing against John McCain in the general election!" asserted Clinton.

"Convicted felons are another voting demographic that Barack Obama simply refuses to acknowledge, and I find that elitist. Just another example that he's out of touch. Over 1% of Americans are currently behind bars. Polls have consistently shown that I hold a large lead in the incarcerated vote. I will not rest until every inmate can walk the prison yard without fear of being shanked!

"These issues matter. If we fail to count every vote, including the felonious monster vote, than the democratic process cannot work. Besides, I don't want to tell a serial murderer rapist that he can't vote, do you?"

The NY Senator went on to explain another victorious scenario in which the Rapture occurs before the general election, thus ridding the United States of Evangelical bible-thumpers in Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana and Georgia, and thereby negating the primary victories for Obama in these states.

"Or an earthquake could sink California, another state my opponent won, into the Pacific Ocean!" said Clinton, foaming at the mouth, "Or we could discover molten rock people living below the Earth's crust. My romp over Obama in West Virginia, primarily a coal mining state, proves just how popular I'd be with this new subterranean demographic."

Clinton went on to posit several hundred additional scenarios, including that Obama could make the political misstep of claiming he is really a woman trapped in a man's body, and implied she has not ruled out the implementation of human cloning to replicate her current voting block in order to claim a significant lead in the popular vote.