'Delegates Schmelegates,' Says Clinton

Hillary Cites 'Myriad Scenarios" In Which She Could Prevail, Despite Mathematical Impossibility

San Juan, Puerto Rico - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's lopsided triumph in Puerto Rico barely made a dent in frontrunner Barack Obama's delegate lead as the junior Senator from Illinois is now within 40-odd delegates of the nomination. However, the largely symbolic victory in a US territory that is constitutionally barred from casting ballots in November's general election has only further emboldened Clinton's near maniacal resolve in her quixotic quest to become the Democratic nominee for President.

"Delegates Schmelegates!" Clinton shrieked at a campaign rally in San Juan shortly before the polls closed Sunday. "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what the numbers say, I'm going to be the next President of the United States!"

Though Obama lost by nearly a two-to-one margin in Puerto Rico, he closed the "magic number" for the Democratic nomination to a mere 45 delegates. Clinton meanwhile, continues to lose ground in the superdelegates, who are largely backing the candidate who the media declared the winner several months ago. Slate.com estimates Clinton's chances of securing the nomination hover at 0.4%. However, Clinton, who found herself in hot water for making statements in which some argued she implied her continued candidacy was necessary because Obama could be assasinated like Robert F. Kennedy, assured supporters on Sunday that she would press on as there are a nearly infinite number of scenarios in which she could prevail.

"We have yet to count the votes of the millions of illegal aliens who currently live within our borders. Once this is done, it will be apparent that I have the best chance of prevailing against John McCain in the general election!" asserted Clinton.

"Convicted felons are another voting demographic that Barack Obama simply refuses to acknowledge, and I find that elitist. Just another example that he's out of touch. Over 1% of Americans are currently behind bars. Polls have consistently shown that I hold a large lead in the incarcerated vote. I will not rest until every inmate can walk the prison yard without fear of being shanked!

"These issues matter. If we fail to count every vote, including the felonious monster vote, than the democratic process cannot work. Besides, I don't want to tell a serial murderer rapist that he can't vote, do you?"

The NY Senator went on to explain another victorious scenario in which the Rapture occurs before the general election, thus ridding the United States of Evangelical bible-thumpers in Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana and Georgia, and thereby negating the primary victories for Obama in these states.

"Or an earthquake could sink California, another state my opponent won, into the Pacific Ocean!" said Clinton, foaming at the mouth, "Or we could discover molten rock people living below the Earth's crust. My romp over Obama in West Virginia, primarily a coal mining state, proves just how popular I'd be with this new subterranean demographic."

Clinton went on to posit several hundred additional scenarios, including that Obama could make the political misstep of claiming he is really a woman trapped in a man's body, and implied she has not ruled out the implementation of human cloning to replicate her current voting block in order to claim a significant lead in the popular vote.

Pope Announces Upcoming Movie Role During US Visit

Benedict XVI Tapped To Play Villain Gargamel In Upcoming Live-Action Smurfs Film

New York, NY- Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the United States prompted a presidential welcome by George W. Bush and will culminate in Sunday mass before tens of thousands at Yankee Stadium. His Holiness' visit contained the usual pomp and circumstance surrounding Roman Catholic guys in tall pointy hats, however few were prepared for the announcement from Pope Benedict XVI that he will be starring in the upcoming live-action Smurfs film as the villanous, Smurf-meat craving Gargamel.

Benedict XVI made the announcement while making the rounds in the morning talk show circuit. He confessed his role in the upcoming family comedy Smurfed Up to Matt Lauer Thursday on the Today show before heading over to discuss it further with the ladies on The View.

"I've served the roles of accomplished theologian, professor, prolific writer, champion for conservative Catholicism, and now that of Pope. I thought it was about time I challenge myself a bit, and play the fictional arch-enemy of all of Smurfdom, which is new territory for me. It will force me to really stretch myself," said the thickly German-accented Benedict.

When questioned by The View panel member Whoopi Goldberg about why New Line Cinema had tagged him for the role given his relative lack of big budget film experience, the Pope quipped "Well, Whoopi, you and I both know what its like to have faces only a Virgin Mother could love. I think they just want to save of makeup artists."

When asked about how he planned to tap into the evil inherent in the bungling villain Gargamel, the Pope advised he would be calling upon the experience he gained as a member of the Hitler Youth as a teenager in the early 1940s.

The film, a New Line Cinema project, will be directed by Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson and is slated for a Christmas 2009 release date.

Others rumored to have signed on for the film include:

That Guy Who Used So Much Colloidal Silver His Skin Turned Blue as patriarch "Papa Smurf"

Prop-comic and general freak-fest Carrot Top as "Hefty Smurf"

Heroes star Masi Oka as the ingenious albeit obnoxious "Brainy Smurf"

Paris Hilton as the Smurf Spunk-Dumpster "Smurfette"

Christian Group Enraged Over Grade Schoolers Drawing Rainbows, Wearing Pink

Argue Activities Promote Alternate Lifestyles

The Reedsburg, WI school district was inundated with angry phone calls when the Milwaukee-based radio program Voice of Christian Youth America broadcast that Pineview Elementary School encouraged students to dress as the opposite gender during their various dress-up days for "Wacky Week." Story Here

Further investigation by Christian groups with nothing better to do uncovered that this is not the first time that the Pineview Elementary has promoted "alternative lifestyles" and "frutiness" through school sponsored activities. The group Jesus Didn't Die For Queerbags, a ministry of In Christ Unity Parish (ICUP), revealed that in February Pineview Elementary asked boy and girl students alike to wear pink. Third Grade Teacher Megan Harris, a breast cancer survivor, instructed her students to wear pink in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

"Our young sons were told to wear pink. How could this happen?" said a visibly angry ICUP spokesman, Julian Gobblecox,"That's one step away from taking one in the pooper."

Concerned parent, and ICUP member, Prudence Goodwyfe also reported that her fifth grade son was forced to draw a rainbow as part of a art class project.

"Timothy came home with this abomination," said Goodwyfe, brandishing the poorly drawn portrait of her son with his arms around his 'best pal' Sam. "I just don't know if I can afford another exorcism for Timmy."

Goodwyfe also stated she had begun to grow suspicious of her son's involvement with Sam when she caught the two wrestling one day in the back yard, and again when the two 10-year olds insisted on being allowed to stage "sleep-overs." However, it was not until she saw the hand-holding rainbow drawing that her worst fears were confirmed.

Following an undercover investigation in which he posed as a janitor, Gobblecox announced his findings that children in Mrs. Denton's kindergarten class were uniformly assigned "buddies" with whom they were forced to hold hands while standing in line to walk to the bathroom. These hand-holding partners were assigned in same-sex pairings nearly half the time, according to Gobblecox.

"Our liberal public schools, in addition to continuing to deny the obvious truth that the Earth is only 6000 years old, are teaching our children that it is permissable to hold hands before marriage, and what's more, with members of the opposite sex!" said Gobblecox.

"If God thought homosexuality was ok, he wouldn't have alluded to it in vaguely worded portions of the Bible open to various interpretations!"

News In Briefs

New Study Links Marijuana Use, Eating Whole Frickin' Bag of Chips

Baltimore, MD - Following a recently announced study finding a correlation between excessive belly fat and risk of dementia in later life, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have recently unveiled a new startling link found between the recreational use of marijuana and polishing off a entire freakin' bag of chips in one sitting.

The study indicates those who use marijuana are 300% more likely to down the whole goddamn bag of potato chips than those who refrain from marijuana use.

"Potheads" as they are known in colloquial speech, now rank just ahead of computer programmers and only slightly behind trailer park, stay-at-home mothers as the most at-risk demographics for excessive potato chip eating.

Now that this link has been verified, researchers are currently working on discovering whether there is a connection between anorexia and starving yourself until you're pretty.

Joan Cusack Stalker Can't Get Arrested Unless Collaborating With John Cusack Stalker

Malibu, California - Longtime Joan Cusack stalker Alice Tomlinson recently turned herself in to the Malibu police admitting to acting as an accomplice in the stalking of the baby-faced box-office giant John Cusack. Tomlinson was booked following the confessions that she supplied recently arrested John Cusack stalker, Emily Leatherman, with the paper and ink pens used in crafting the creepy, obsessed-drivel laden letter Leatherman most recently tied to a screwdriver and tossed over the wall to Cusack's residence.

Tomlinson, who has openly advertised that she has stalked John's older sister Joan Cusack for years, finally got her name linked to a major stalking arrest, albeit in a bit-part supporting role. Joan Cusack, best known as that fucking obnoxious US Cellular spokesperson, was not available for comment, but her agent indicated that Tomlinson's arrest resulted from "Joan's years of independent hard work in Hollywood, and in no way had anything to do with any of her siblings."

Despite years of sending the 46-year old actress (who has played supporting roles in her brother's projects High Fidelity and Grosse Pointe Blank) severed fingers in the mail, taking out full page ads in the LA Times complete with dates and times she would be stalking Joan Cusack, and most recently parading around outside Cusack's home with various homemade banners scrawled in her own feces, Tomlinson has been paid little mind by the Malibu police or tabloid journalists.

When asked for comment, little brother John stated, "Oh, Joanie's got a stalker too? That's just great. I've always been so proud of all the things she's done on her own... whatever they may be."

McCain Plays AARP Card

After controversial Ferraro, Rev. Wright statements on race, McCain brings age issue to forefront

With the political arena abuzz following Barack Obama’s landmark speech on the topic of race, and the majority of Americans still genuinely weirded-out by the possibility of the Democratic presidential nominee sporting a vagina in place of the conventional penis, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain is now turning to the only demographic detail making the white, male Senator from Arizona stand out from those that have come before him: his rapidly advancing age.

McCain officially played the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) card Monday by presenting the laminated card to the cashier during a campaign stop at Marge’s Biscuits n’ Gravy in order to obtain a senior discount for his 4:30PM early bird dinner. By playing the AARP card, he was able to receive seventy-five cents off the already economical price of $3.99 for the liver and onions special.

McCain, who will be 72 at the time of the November election, is seeking to become the oldest first-term president ever elected, besting Ronald Reagan's statesmanly 69.

"While racism and sexism are now taboo in this country, it remains completely acceptable for late night comedians to spew ageist hate speech proclaiming all senior citizens... incapable of achieving substantial bowel movements without the assistance of prunes..."

Pointing to his 71-plus years of life experience as the asset that makes him most qualified to lead the nation as the next President, McCain referred to 46-year old Democratic candidate Barack Obama as a “whipper snapper” and 60-year old Hillary Rodham Clinton as “on in years, but not presidential old.”

“I’d already gutted out 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp by the time Senator Obama was potty trained!” stated McCain, gripping the microphone in his trembling, liver-spotted hand.

McCain asserted that not only had he already learned to ride a bicycle (especially challenging given that, in his day, only bicycles with disproportionately large front wheels existed) but had also sprouted the beginnings of pubic fuzz by the time Clinton was even born.

In a press conference following his meal and standard glass of Metamucil, McCain stated plainly that he was proud to represent geezers everywhere in his run for the Presidency.

“The elderly in this country are treated as second class citizens. For decades my people have been oppressed with the revoking of our drivers’ licenses and the ridiculing of our false teeth and early bedtimes,” said McCain, before staring off into space and drooling onto the podium for several minutes.

Prodded in the back of his head with a long pole by one of his advisors, McCain continued, “My elderly brethren have been the butt of jokes for too long. While racism and sexism are now taboo in this country, it remains completely
acceptable for late night comedians to spew ageist hate speech proclaiming all senior citizens have poor eyesight and hearing, can’t remember anything for the life of them, or are incapable of achieving substantial bowel movements without the assistance of prunes or other high-fiber sources. This is simply unjust.”

After a short nap aboard the Straight-Talk Express, McCain re-emerged to continue the press conference.

“These stereotypes alone would be bad enough, but the truth is the oldest of my people continue to be routinely rounded up like cattle and forced into internment facilities under the guise of ‘nursing home care.’ In these death camps they are drugged, while their captors pillage their personal property and steal their spare change. They remain in these facilities until their spirits are broken and they endure a slow, painful death. No one comes home alive from this geriatric holocaust.”

In addition to liberating his people from second-class citizen status and stopping age-bashing in the public sector, McCain also promised to obtain a set of age-affirmative action objectives that he argues will finally balance the playing field in America for the most senior of citizens.

“If you do me the honor of electing me to the highest office in these United States, I’ll do my best to ensure punk kids get proper haircuts, someone is always there to remind you where you last put your house keys, and all solid foods are mashed into a fine paste. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a bath in Epsom salts."

McCain also promised a surge in production of the motorized scooter known commercially as The Rascal, an ad-campaign to combat the negative connotations associated with adult diapers, and the replacement of baseball with bingo as the national pastime.

Just hours after McCain played the AARP card, the Clinton campaign again found itself mired in controversy as a campaign contributor publicly implied that McCain is enjoying his presumptive GOP nominee status entirely because of his age.

“If he was dead by now, instead of having survived his entire 71-plus years, he wouldn’t be where he is; he wouldn’t be in this position.”

Clinton downplayed the statement, indicating it was made by a fringe supporter and is not in any way representative of her campaign.

Jeff Foxworthy To Run For President

Follows Nader's Lead, Will Run As Independent

In the wake of consumer-advocate Ralph Nader’s recent announcement that he will again seek the office of the presidency, long-time lower-working class comedy advocate Jeff Foxworthy today announced he is also throwing his name in the ring for a White House bid. Some political analysts suggest that the host of FOX’s brain-buster Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? may be American politics’ best kept secret as he has for years appealed to the nation’s backbone of undereducated, over-procreating mush mouths with his down-home wisdom and easily understood, rural-centric one-liners.

Citing that in the past four elections America has invariably elected candidates from Southern states over Northern state rivals, political strategist James Carville suggests the Georgia-born Foxworthy’s guileless drawl instantly provides him with a leg up on the “hoity toity-ness” inherent in the articulate speech of Barack Obama and pointed rhetoric of Hillary Rodham Clinton. On the other end of the political spectrum, the majority of Americans find John McCain’s stiff, stroke victim-esque diction unmoving and lacking a crucial “homespuniness.”

“By announcing my candidacy for President of the United States of America,” said a smirking, amply mustachioed Foxworthy at today’s press conference, “I’ve got those fat cats in Warshington looking about as confused as a cow on Astroturf.”

In response to a question about the Republican criticism that he is “all hat and no cattle” a visibly angry Foxworthy stated “if the belt buckle doesn’t fit, wear it anyway.”

While his candidacy was generally well-received, some conservatives expressed trepidation at what they perceived as Foxworthy’s sidestepping a question on abortion. When asked about his stance on the heavily divisive issue and on the ethics of stem-cell research Foxworthy simply replied, “Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door,” a response some interpret as a pro-choice (or at least anti-birth) stance. Political adviser and commentator George Stephanapolous states "when compounded by his numerous light-hearted lamentations about diapers and spit-up, this has put him at odds with baby-loving Evangelicals and I believe this is the key reason he has chosen to run as an Independent."

Foxworthy’s communications director and Kentucky dirt farmer, Skeeter Hackenslaw, attributes Foxworthy’s only slightly above the mean intelligence as a key to his success.

“Studies have statistically shown that Americans prefer a president who isn’t much smarter than they are lest they feel they're getting one pulled over on them. But Americans also get their undies in a bunch if we elect a President who’s a whole lot dumber. After eight long years of an ignorant Dubya and faced with the prospect of the hyper-intellectual Obama and Clinton, Americans are demanding a candidate who week in and week out proves to them that he is only slightly smarter than a fifth grader. And the only candidate to fit that bill is Jeffrey M. Foxworthy.”

Interviewed aboard Foxworthy's Plain Speak Winnebago, Hackenslaw categorically denied claims that Foxworthy’s proclaimed above-fifth grader intelligence is reliant entirely upon “them high-falutin’ answer cards” he utilizes on his game show.

Some supporters fear that like Barack Hussein Obama, Foxworthy will suffer from the negative associations made to his middle name (Musharaff), but aides have denied that would be an issue as Foxworthy's base are not politically astute enough to know who Pakistani President Pervez Musharaff is.

While as yet undecided on a running mate, sources close to Foxworthy indicate that he is leaning toward Blue-Collar Comedy Tour cohort Larry the Cable Guy, citing his boundless optimism and can-do spirit evident in his "Git 'Er Done" slogan as the boost Foxworthy's campaign will need to defy the odds and become the first Independent elected President.

Aides insist Foxworthy has the broad appeal necessary to prevail, pointing to polls that show he performs well in both Red Neck and Blue Collar states.

FOXWORTHY ON THE ISSUES:

On Healthcare:

"“If you’ve ever had your teeth busted by getting kicked in the face by a mule and been denied treatment, you might be uninsured,” Foxworthy quipped. “If you’ve ever had your mother-in-law treated by a veterinarian, you just might be uninsured.”

On the Iraq War:
“In my day, people only said I-raq when they just got beat in a game of pool.” Adding, “and when it was time to pay the bar tab, I-ran.”

On Global Climate Change:
“In this day and age, if you ever go outside without sunscreen, you might get a red neck.”

On North Korea:
"So the other day I heard Kim Jong-Il, but his advisors sent him to the doctor so now Kim Jong-Better.

On Poverty:
Foxworthy promises "A cinder block under every bare axle, and a grilled possum on every table."

On Gun Control:
“If you break into my house, I don’t need no handgun, I’ll have the wife yammer you to death.”
"But seriously folks, I always thought the right to bare arms just meant a feller could go around wearing a t-shirt if he wanted to.”

Origins Of The Dick Face

Dick Face.

Long a sophomoric insult more appropriate for the schoolyard than the political arena, few are aware that it's the proper term for the trademark scowl disgraced politicians or other public figures flash at press conferences and other public arenas.

Many are more familiar with the term Manning Face, as popularized by ESPN analyst Bill Simmons, to describe the mugs of Archie spawn. This expression specifically references the trademark grimace those highly visible golden-arms inevitably emit following an infrequent on-field mishap.

Example below:

Given that Peyton and Eli have respectively won the last two Super Bowl MVP honors, the notorious Manning Face is growing less and less frequent and is now mostly reserved for those I may have won a Super Bowl and have ubiquitous commercial endorsements but with my Howdy Doody looks there's still no chance I get to put my dick into anyone named Giselle moments.

However, it's important to note that Manning Face serves as only recently developed nomenclature meant to specify a reaction to less serious situations than that of the longstanding Dick Face.

One needs look no further than the only U.S. President forced to resign from office, one Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon, to understand the origins of the word itself.

This one look says it all:

"Well, I certainly have my dick in a blender."

Thus, on August 8, 1974... the Dick Face was born.

The Dick Face has since become the standard conciliatory expression for public figures following cataclysmic fuck-ups. In 1998, the impeached Bill Clinton set an unofficial record for most Dick Faces captured on film within a six-month period (1,291), which serves as more of a testament to the omnipresence of the media than on the severity of the consequences which yielded the Dick Face. However, as is bound to happen with expressions of this sort, nuances have developed.

Slick Willy's more tight-lipped, slightly less jowly version of the Dick Face (dubbed by some as the "Slick Face") indicates a It's not really sex if I only put my dick in her mouth, right? tone, which some consider slightly off-putting.

Most recently, disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer generated a Dick Face of unprecedented intensity, pulling his upper lip to within mere centimeters of his nose. This particular Dick Face, in response to the revelation the acclaimed "tough on corruption" governor spent tens of thousands of dollars on high-class prostitutes over a period of six months, conveys the loud-and-clear message of I like to put my dick in things that cost $5,000 an hour, and has quickly become known as the "Turned-Trick Face."

You'll notice the rather lax, defeated look in his shamed wife's face as evidence that the Dick Face is unique to only men (a subject that will be revisited later in the article).

Spitzer's Dick Face may be permanently fixed in place from this scandal, as every photo taken of him in recent days has exhibited it.

Due to the fact that the Bush administration claims to have never been wrong and therefore never forced to apologize, neither Bush nor Cheney are capable of maneuvering the facial muscles necessary to pull a Dick Face. When faced with situations in which contrition is required, Bush simply reverts to his natural defense of distracting the crowd by checking himself for mites and spinning a folksy yarn about "smokin' out armadillas" on his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Attempts by Vice President Cheney in the past have resulted in striking negative tones interpreted by many as defensive and have been described as a “glorified snarl” as they almost without exception involve the baring of teeth.

For example, below is photo evidence of the closest ever Dick Face pulled by Cheney, upon expressing regret that his hunting companion, 78-year old campaign contributor Harry Whittington, “chose to strike my birdshot with his face.” Cheney categorically denied wrongdoing, even suggesting America is safer as a result of his actions because the incident will more thoroughly educate the public to keep their faces out of the path of his shotgun blasts.

Cheney subsequently bit the head off a chicken and spewed blood onto reporters. Many onhand said it was the most contrite they’d ever seen the Vice President.

The irony of Dick Cheney’s inability to perform his namesake expression needs no further elaboration.

Much like the male sex organ the name euphemizes, the Dick Face is something women are incapable of exhibiting without significant hormonal supplements. Below is the closest expression to a Dick Face by a female ever captured on film, as achieved by disgraced Olympic champion Marion Jones.

Clearly, the hormonal imbalance created by her steroid use allowed this aberration to take place. The tight lips are nearly flawless, however the downturned mouth indicative of a true Dick Face remains conspicuously absent.

Still, one tends to wonder about the physiological mutations of which performance-enhancing drugs are capable, and whether someday they will allow women to perform this presently phallocentric expression.

And on to the lightning round:

The Beli-Dick Face
(New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick)

The Separate But Equal Dick Face
(Former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott)

The I Like Dick Face
(Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey)

The I Have No Dick Face
(Prescription Drug Addict Rush Limbaugh)