McCain Purchases Mavericks NBA Franchise

Republican Candidate Concerned Incessant Self Reference As Maverick Not Enough
Dallas, TX - The McCain campaign confirmed Friday that John McCain has successfully negotiated the purchase of the Dallas Mavericks basketball team from billionare Dancing With the Stars reject Mark Cuban.

"The purchase of the Dallas Mavericks was a maverick move by the original maverick, John McCain," said his chief strategist, Rick Maver. "Now not only does he have another maverick, Sarah Palin, working for him, but also a 12-man roster of Mavericks."

Aides say McCain, who has been referring to himself as a maverick in every public speaking appearance since February, wasn't certain that his continuous use of his self-ascribed nickname was enough for Americans to realize that he, in fact, is known as a maverick in the political arena and felt the purchase of the Dallas Mavericks was the next logical step.

When asked why he purchased an NBA franchise despite knowing virtually nothing about basketball, McCain simply replied, "Maverick mavericks maverick, maverick," adding, "Maverick."

Asked if she thought the maverick move to purchase the Mavericks would provide the McCain campaign with a boost, Palin winked and responded, "You betcha."

McCain, Palin decry "got your nose" journalism

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain joined his running mate Sarah Palin at a press conference today, chiding the media for the "got your nose" journalism tactics he alleges Palin has been subjected to lately. Following a devastating series of interviews with CBS anchor Katie Couric in which she could not name a specific magazine or newspaper she has ever read to keep herself abreast on current events, Palin became further confused when she sat down for an interview with NBC anchor Brian Williams.

"My friends, this is just another example of the liberal media exhibiting their 'got your nose' journalism," said McCain. "This is not the way to treat a couple of mavericks."

The incident in question occurred when Palin was unable to specify for Williams how many stripes were on the American flag.

"You know, Brian, we need to shore up the stripes because you never know when the stars might rear their heads, and that's why I'm here to shake things up in Washington, because for too long the stripes and stars have been running the show but I'm here with new ideas and a new energy and I'm going to change all that. 110%"

In an attempt to elicit a response that one could at least spin as "sensical" or, barring that, grammatically correct, Williams then asked Palin what color she believed the White House to be, before eventually trying again by asking her what sound a doggy makes. Palin responded to these questions with a long string of jumbled campaign slogans, catch phrases and generalities, ultimately insisting she'd look into it and get back to him. At that point, a visibly frustrated Williams reached out and in a swift motion, clasped his hand in front of Palin's face and proceeded to tell her that he had successfully removed her nose, waving his thumb tucked between his middle and index fingers as proof that he, in fact, "got" it.

McCain chastised the media at large for the incident, stating "My friends, how can they expect my running mate to be able to focus on answering simple questions when she's been coerced into believing she's just been the victim of facial mutilation."

Palin then took the mic and proclaimed her profound relief that her nose was still intact, citing her faith in God as having kept her nose safe.

The Obama campaign issued a statement shortly after the press conference condemning the media's focus on Palin's nose and declaring Palin's face "off limits" to political attacks.

McCain Suspends Campaign Until Passage Of Gallstone

Amidst slumping poll numbers,the failed political stunt of threatening to back out of last Friday's debate, and the painful realization that his running mate is the intellectual equivalent of a box of hammers, John McCain has again shaken up the race with what his aides claim will be a "game changer."

The Republican presidential hopeful has suspended his campaign until the successful passage of a pesky gallstone that has plagued the Arizona Senator for the past several weeks.

"The truth is, this stone doesn't just effect Gall Street, but it also effects Pain Street," said a wincing McCain, clutching his side. When asked what kind of medical treatment he has received, McCain responded by saying he has received the best care possible. "And it's all been covered by my health insurance, which I assume every American has. Although, when I'm President I'll see what I can do about those pesky 20% co-pays. Because of that expense, I've had to put the brakes on my plan to buy 13 matching 'Maverick' welcome mats for the front steps of my houses."

The Obama campaign immediately questioned the value of suspending his entire campaign to which McCain responded that Obama "just doesn't understand gallstones."

'Delegates Schmelegates,' Says Clinton

Hillary Cites 'Myriad Scenarios" In Which She Could Prevail, Despite Mathematical Impossibility

San Juan, Puerto Rico - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's lopsided triumph in Puerto Rico barely made a dent in frontrunner Barack Obama's delegate lead as the junior Senator from Illinois is now within 40-odd delegates of the nomination. However, the largely symbolic victory in a US territory that is constitutionally barred from casting ballots in November's general election has only further emboldened Clinton's near maniacal resolve in her quixotic quest to become the Democratic nominee for President.

"Delegates Schmelegates!" Clinton shrieked at a campaign rally in San Juan shortly before the polls closed Sunday. "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what the numbers say, I'm going to be the next President of the United States!"

Though Obama lost by nearly a two-to-one margin in Puerto Rico, he closed the "magic number" for the Democratic nomination to a mere 45 delegates. Clinton meanwhile, continues to lose ground in the superdelegates, who are largely backing the candidate who the media declared the winner several months ago. Slate.com estimates Clinton's chances of securing the nomination hover at 0.4%. However, Clinton, who found herself in hot water for making statements in which some argued she implied her continued candidacy was necessary because Obama could be assasinated like Robert F. Kennedy, assured supporters on Sunday that she would press on as there are a nearly infinite number of scenarios in which she could prevail.

"We have yet to count the votes of the millions of illegal aliens who currently live within our borders. Once this is done, it will be apparent that I have the best chance of prevailing against John McCain in the general election!" asserted Clinton.

"Convicted felons are another voting demographic that Barack Obama simply refuses to acknowledge, and I find that elitist. Just another example that he's out of touch. Over 1% of Americans are currently behind bars. Polls have consistently shown that I hold a large lead in the incarcerated vote. I will not rest until every inmate can walk the prison yard without fear of being shanked!

"These issues matter. If we fail to count every vote, including the felonious monster vote, than the democratic process cannot work. Besides, I don't want to tell a serial murderer rapist that he can't vote, do you?"

The NY Senator went on to explain another victorious scenario in which the Rapture occurs before the general election, thus ridding the United States of Evangelical bible-thumpers in Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana and Georgia, and thereby negating the primary victories for Obama in these states.

"Or an earthquake could sink California, another state my opponent won, into the Pacific Ocean!" said Clinton, foaming at the mouth, "Or we could discover molten rock people living below the Earth's crust. My romp over Obama in West Virginia, primarily a coal mining state, proves just how popular I'd be with this new subterranean demographic."

Clinton went on to posit several hundred additional scenarios, including that Obama could make the political misstep of claiming he is really a woman trapped in a man's body, and implied she has not ruled out the implementation of human cloning to replicate her current voting block in order to claim a significant lead in the popular vote.

Pope Announces Upcoming Movie Role During US Visit

Benedict XVI Tapped To Play Villain Gargamel In Upcoming Live-Action Smurfs Film

New York, NY- Pope Benedict XVI's visit to the United States prompted a presidential welcome by George W. Bush and will culminate in Sunday mass before tens of thousands at Yankee Stadium. His Holiness' visit contained the usual pomp and circumstance surrounding Roman Catholic guys in tall pointy hats, however few were prepared for the announcement from Pope Benedict XVI that he will be starring in the upcoming live-action Smurfs film as the villanous, Smurf-meat craving Gargamel.

Benedict XVI made the announcement while making the rounds in the morning talk show circuit. He confessed his role in the upcoming family comedy Smurfed Up to Matt Lauer Thursday on the Today show before heading over to discuss it further with the ladies on The View.

"I've served the roles of accomplished theologian, professor, prolific writer, champion for conservative Catholicism, and now that of Pope. I thought it was about time I challenge myself a bit, and play the fictional arch-enemy of all of Smurfdom, which is new territory for me. It will force me to really stretch myself," said the thickly German-accented Benedict.

When questioned by The View panel member Whoopi Goldberg about why New Line Cinema had tagged him for the role given his relative lack of big budget film experience, the Pope quipped "Well, Whoopi, you and I both know what its like to have faces only a Virgin Mother could love. I think they just want to save of makeup artists."

When asked about how he planned to tap into the evil inherent in the bungling villain Gargamel, the Pope advised he would be calling upon the experience he gained as a member of the Hitler Youth as a teenager in the early 1940s.

The film, a New Line Cinema project, will be directed by Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson and is slated for a Christmas 2009 release date.

Others rumored to have signed on for the film include:

That Guy Who Used So Much Colloidal Silver His Skin Turned Blue as patriarch "Papa Smurf"

Prop-comic and general freak-fest Carrot Top as "Hefty Smurf"

Heroes star Masi Oka as the ingenious albeit obnoxious "Brainy Smurf"

Paris Hilton as the Smurf Spunk-Dumpster "Smurfette"

Christian Group Enraged Over Grade Schoolers Drawing Rainbows, Wearing Pink

Argue Activities Promote Alternate Lifestyles

The Reedsburg, WI school district was inundated with angry phone calls when the Milwaukee-based radio program Voice of Christian Youth America broadcast that Pineview Elementary School encouraged students to dress as the opposite gender during their various dress-up days for "Wacky Week." Story Here

Further investigation by Christian groups with nothing better to do uncovered that this is not the first time that the Pineview Elementary has promoted "alternative lifestyles" and "frutiness" through school sponsored activities. The group Jesus Didn't Die For Queerbags, a ministry of In Christ Unity Parish (ICUP), revealed that in February Pineview Elementary asked boy and girl students alike to wear pink. Third Grade Teacher Megan Harris, a breast cancer survivor, instructed her students to wear pink in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

"Our young sons were told to wear pink. How could this happen?" said a visibly angry ICUP spokesman, Julian Gobblecox,"That's one step away from taking one in the pooper."

Concerned parent, and ICUP member, Prudence Goodwyfe also reported that her fifth grade son was forced to draw a rainbow as part of a art class project.

"Timothy came home with this abomination," said Goodwyfe, brandishing the poorly drawn portrait of her son with his arms around his 'best pal' Sam. "I just don't know if I can afford another exorcism for Timmy."

Goodwyfe also stated she had begun to grow suspicious of her son's involvement with Sam when she caught the two wrestling one day in the back yard, and again when the two 10-year olds insisted on being allowed to stage "sleep-overs." However, it was not until she saw the hand-holding rainbow drawing that her worst fears were confirmed.

Following an undercover investigation in which he posed as a janitor, Gobblecox announced his findings that children in Mrs. Denton's kindergarten class were uniformly assigned "buddies" with whom they were forced to hold hands while standing in line to walk to the bathroom. These hand-holding partners were assigned in same-sex pairings nearly half the time, according to Gobblecox.

"Our liberal public schools, in addition to continuing to deny the obvious truth that the Earth is only 6000 years old, are teaching our children that it is permissable to hold hands before marriage, and what's more, with members of the opposite sex!" said Gobblecox.

"If God thought homosexuality was ok, he wouldn't have alluded to it in vaguely worded portions of the Bible open to various interpretations!"

News In Briefs

New Study Links Marijuana Use, Eating Whole Frickin' Bag of Chips

Baltimore, MD - Following a recently announced study finding a correlation between excessive belly fat and risk of dementia in later life, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have recently unveiled a new startling link found between the recreational use of marijuana and polishing off a entire freakin' bag of chips in one sitting.

The study indicates those who use marijuana are 300% more likely to down the whole goddamn bag of potato chips than those who refrain from marijuana use.

"Potheads" as they are known in colloquial speech, now rank just ahead of computer programmers and only slightly behind trailer park, stay-at-home mothers as the most at-risk demographics for excessive potato chip eating.

Now that this link has been verified, researchers are currently working on discovering whether there is a connection between anorexia and starving yourself until you're pretty.

Joan Cusack Stalker Can't Get Arrested Unless Collaborating With John Cusack Stalker

Malibu, California - Longtime Joan Cusack stalker Alice Tomlinson recently turned herself in to the Malibu police admitting to acting as an accomplice in the stalking of the baby-faced box-office giant John Cusack. Tomlinson was booked following the confessions that she supplied recently arrested John Cusack stalker, Emily Leatherman, with the paper and ink pens used in crafting the creepy, obsessed-drivel laden letter Leatherman most recently tied to a screwdriver and tossed over the wall to Cusack's residence.

Tomlinson, who has openly advertised that she has stalked John's older sister Joan Cusack for years, finally got her name linked to a major stalking arrest, albeit in a bit-part supporting role. Joan Cusack, best known as that fucking obnoxious US Cellular spokesperson, was not available for comment, but her agent indicated that Tomlinson's arrest resulted from "Joan's years of independent hard work in Hollywood, and in no way had anything to do with any of her siblings."

Despite years of sending the 46-year old actress (who has played supporting roles in her brother's projects High Fidelity and Grosse Pointe Blank) severed fingers in the mail, taking out full page ads in the LA Times complete with dates and times she would be stalking Joan Cusack, and most recently parading around outside Cusack's home with various homemade banners scrawled in her own feces, Tomlinson has been paid little mind by the Malibu police or tabloid journalists.

When asked for comment, little brother John stated, "Oh, Joanie's got a stalker too? That's just great. I've always been so proud of all the things she's done on her own... whatever they may be."