Palin: We'll Get 'Em Next Year

Promises Fans 'Team McCain' Will Win It All In 2009

Wasilla, AK - In the wake of her team's sound defeat at the hands of arch-rivals Obama/Biden, Gov. Sarah Palin vowed in her hometown of Wasilla that 'Team McCain' would regroup and make another run for the title in 2009.

"We lost a tough one last night, and y'know it stings a little. But we'll go back to the drawin' board and we'll be studyin' some game films and just workin' our rear ends off so that we come out with guns blazin' next year," said the self-proclaimed hockey mom. "I guarantee we'll score more goals, be more aggressive fact-checkin', focus more on our national defensive game, and we'll get 'em next year."

Despite significant losses in both the electoral college and the popular vote, Palin said 'Team McCain' and herself were the victim of bad election officiating.

"Obama/Biden definitely seemed to get a lot more calls than us. The truth of the matter is, a few more states get called our way and it could have been a whole different outcome out there. But it seemed like the calls were going the way of whoever was most popular."

Palin also blamed the media for playing favoritism toward the bigger market team.

"You know, all along you reporters wanted Obama/Biden to win, just because they have more fans and a higher payroll."

However, Palin conceded that not all the fault came from external sources.

"At the end of the day, Obama/Biden out-hustled us out there. John McCain and I have just got to pull ourselves up and start preparin' for next year."

Obama To Project Face Onto Moon On Election Night

Houston, TX - Following Wednesday night's 30-minute primetime broadcast on several major networks, the Obama camp announced it will kick things up a notch and use the remaining portion of it's record $600 million campaign funds to project the Democratic candidate's face onto the moon as a final political advertisement.

"Despite our sizable lead in the polls and significant step of a 30-minute infomercial less than a week before the election, Senator Obama felt that one final step was necessary to drive home his message that he will stand up for every American, even the man in the moon."

The McCain campaign immediately issued a response arguing that the Arizona Senator had been warning Americans all along about Obama's proclivity to purchasing astronomy-related overhead projectors.

'Joe The Plumber' To Wed Madonna

Worried Fiance's Fortune Could Raise His Taxes

Cleveland, OH - Recently divorced pop icon Madonna shocked the world Tuesday by announcing she is engaged to wed Joe Wurzelbacher, the Ohio man who recently shot to superstardom as McCain campaign mascot "Joe the Plumber."

Madonna, whose marriage with British action film director Guy Ritchie came to a bitter end just last week, was spotted entering a Cleveland nightclub with the unlicensed plumber on Monday night.

A source close to the couple confirmed Madonna, who over the years has been romantically linked to heavy hitting cultural icons like Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, and most recently Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez, was drawn to Wurzelbacher when his name was dropped over two dozen times at last week's presidential debate at Hofstra University.

"She was naturally interested in Joe following the debate," said publicist Micah Lazarus, "Anyone who is important enough on a global scale to be referenced over two dozen times by the two candidates vying to become leader of the free world is naturally going to generate some romantic interest. Besides, bald is the new black."

According to the source, the ubiquitous media coverage of Wurzelbacher and the incessant reference to him by the McCain campaign has led Madonna to believe that 'Joe the Plumber' is the most significant thinker in modern American history.

Wurzelbacher, meanwhile, spoke candidly about his elation over the whirlwind engagement, but expressed his concern that Madonna's vast fortune could lead to his having to pay higher taxes under the Obama plan.

"Under Mr. Obama's tax plan, if I want to marry a pop icon and sex symbol with a net worth of $850 million, I'd be penalized by paying higher taxes than I do now. I just don't think that's right. Penalizing a man for pursuing the American dream of marrying the Material Girl is un-American. Sounds socialist to me."

Madonna's agent would neither confirm nor deny rumors she is currently working with Wurzelbacher on Plumb, a follow-up to the 1992 controversial best-selling book Sex, which would depict numerous "provocative uncloggings."

McCain Camp Links Obama To Controversial 1920's Terrorist Count Orlok

Palin: Obama Wants To Kill You And Eat Your Children

Dayton, OH - The McCain campaign racheted up the attacks against Barack Obama this week in an last ditch effort to turn the tide of an election that recent polls suggest may be slipping out of reach. Following efforts by the campaign to tie Obama to such controversial figures as former Weather Underground leader William Ayers and the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin placed Obama into even shadier company Tuesday, insinuating that Obama supports the terror invoked upon the townspeople by the vampiric Count Orlok from the 1921 F.W. Murnau classic Nosferatu.

"Who is the real Barack Obama? Why won't he talk about his past? Maybe it's because he doesn't want you to know that in 5th grade he dressed up like a vampire for Halloween," said Palin. "This was his first experience going door to door to drum up support for his usual tricks and treats, and he chose to do it dressed like an undead fiend of the night, gorgin' on the blood of regular folks like you and me. I don't know about you, but that's not the kind of man who should be Commander In Chief."

McCain, while speaking in the battleground state of Virginia, took a softer tone than his attack dog running mate, stating simply, "I don't care about a washed up terrorist vampire from the '20s, but I do think the American people want to see if my opponent is going to be truthful and admit that he likes to dress up as a blood-drinking monster."

The Obama campaign released a statement conceding that the Democratic candidate did dress in a vampire costume that bore a slight resemblance to the controversial vampire during the Halloween of 1971. The statement indicates he did engage in "trick or treating," but that when he did so he was unaware of the extent of Count Orlok's alleged atrocities. Obama is quoted as calling Count Orlok's bloodthirsty acts (along with those of all vampires) "despicable" but cited that the movie was released "before I was born" and the events "are fictional."

Nevertheless, Palin continues to pull out all the stops in her attack on Obama, stating that given his support of vampiric terrorism there's no guarantee that, if elected, Obama won't "kill every American voter and eat our children alive. And that's a risk America can't afford to take."

"And why do you think it is that Obama keeps insistin' on the presidential debates only takin' place at night?" added Palin. "Could it be that he would dematerialize in the sunlight? We just don't know. Are mirrors able to capture his reflection? These are the questions he just refuses to answer."

Palin further urged all the "hockey moms and Joe Six-Packs out there" to keep sharpened wooden stakes and garlic necklaces at the ready and advocated toting crucifixes to the polls on election day.

Confused Elderly Man Wanders Onto Stage During Political Event

Rambles On About Teddy Roosevelt, Warns Onlookers To Fear Black Man

Nashville, TN - A disoriented septuagenarian wandered onto the stage during a political discussion at Belmont University on Tuesday, plodding about awkwardly while addressing the room of complete strangers as "my friends." He proceeded to blather on incoherently for the better portion of 90 minutes about all the things he knows how to do, famous dead people with whom he claimed to have worked decades before, and the futility of efforts to nail gelatin desserts to walls.

A nearby black man humored the dementia-stricken war veteran by listening to his raving tangents with the attention of a polite grandchild, speaking up to calm everyone's obvious concern over the situation when the visibly agitated geriatric routinely fell silent every two minutes and staggered aimlessly across the stage. Between periodic gulps of water and bouts of labored breathing into a microphone he somehow managed to get his heavily veined, liver spotted hands upon, the unnaturally pale senior citizen sneered at the black man with obvious disdain before finally referring to him as "that one" and warning that the black man poses a danger to the entire country.

Evidently emerging from the haze of senility just long enough to realize there were 500 people in the room whom he was making extremely uncomfortable, the sickly old man tried to lighten the mood by cracking a poorly-received joke about his male pattern baldness, before babbling on angrily about three million dollar overhead projectors and grizzly bears in Montana.

With bystanders growing increasingly restless, some openly declaring they were worried about the security of themselves and their families, the elderly man issued a final crazed proclamation that he would soon become President of the United States of America.

His family members were ultimately located and managed to coax the doddering geezer from the stage, ushering him safely home while the black man posed for photos with other witnesses to the spectacle. No one was hurt in the incident.

McCain Purchases Mavericks NBA Franchise

Republican Candidate Concerned Incessant Self Reference As Maverick Not Enough
Dallas, TX - The McCain campaign confirmed Friday that John McCain has successfully negotiated the purchase of the Dallas Mavericks basketball team from billionare Dancing With the Stars reject Mark Cuban.

"The purchase of the Dallas Mavericks was a maverick move by the original maverick, John McCain," said his chief strategist, Rick Maver. "Now not only does he have another maverick, Sarah Palin, working for him, but also a 12-man roster of Mavericks."

Aides say McCain, who has been referring to himself as a maverick in every public speaking appearance since February, wasn't certain that his continuous use of his self-ascribed nickname was enough for Americans to realize that he, in fact, is known as a maverick in the political arena and felt the purchase of the Dallas Mavericks was the next logical step.

When asked why he purchased an NBA franchise despite knowing virtually nothing about basketball, McCain simply replied, "Maverick mavericks maverick, maverick," adding, "Maverick."

Asked if she thought the maverick move to purchase the Mavericks would provide the McCain campaign with a boost, Palin winked and responded, "You betcha."

McCain, Palin decry "got your nose" journalism

Republican Presidential candidate John McCain joined his running mate Sarah Palin at a press conference today, chiding the media for the "got your nose" journalism tactics he alleges Palin has been subjected to lately. Following a devastating series of interviews with CBS anchor Katie Couric in which she could not name a specific magazine or newspaper she has ever read to keep herself abreast on current events, Palin became further confused when she sat down for an interview with NBC anchor Brian Williams.

"My friends, this is just another example of the liberal media exhibiting their 'got your nose' journalism," said McCain. "This is not the way to treat a couple of mavericks."

The incident in question occurred when Palin was unable to specify for Williams how many stripes were on the American flag.

"You know, Brian, we need to shore up the stripes because you never know when the stars might rear their heads, and that's why I'm here to shake things up in Washington, because for too long the stripes and stars have been running the show but I'm here with new ideas and a new energy and I'm going to change all that. 110%"

In an attempt to elicit a response that one could at least spin as "sensical" or, barring that, grammatically correct, Williams then asked Palin what color she believed the White House to be, before eventually trying again by asking her what sound a doggy makes. Palin responded to these questions with a long string of jumbled campaign slogans, catch phrases and generalities, ultimately insisting she'd look into it and get back to him. At that point, a visibly frustrated Williams reached out and in a swift motion, clasped his hand in front of Palin's face and proceeded to tell her that he had successfully removed her nose, waving his thumb tucked between his middle and index fingers as proof that he, in fact, "got" it.

McCain chastised the media at large for the incident, stating "My friends, how can they expect my running mate to be able to focus on answering simple questions when she's been coerced into believing she's just been the victim of facial mutilation."

Palin then took the mic and proclaimed her profound relief that her nose was still intact, citing her faith in God as having kept her nose safe.

The Obama campaign issued a statement shortly after the press conference condemning the media's focus on Palin's nose and declaring Palin's face "off limits" to political attacks.